


human card games

by doxian



Series: Homestuck Shipping World Cup 2013 [5]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Card Games, Homestuck Shipping World Cup 2013, M/M, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-31
Updated: 2013-07-31
Packaged: 2017-12-21 23:19:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/906133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doxian/pseuds/doxian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat is on the verge of flipping out. Dave distracts him with a rousing game of Crazy Eights.</p><p>Written for HSWC <a href="http://hs-worldcup.dreamwidth.org/11473.html?thread=2314705#cmt2314705">bonus round 5: family game night.</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	human card games

KARKAT: HA, I KNEW I'D FIND YOU HERE.  
KARKAT: SEQUESTERED AMONGST A MULTITUDE OF MINIATURE ALUMINUM SKYSCRAPERS, DOING ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL.  
KARKAT: WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER ME, I'VE BEEN PAGING YOU FOR LIKE AN HOUR.  
KARKAT: OH GOD.  
KARKAT: WHAT IN THE CHUTEHUFFING HOLY HELL AM I LOOKING AT.  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: just playin some solitaire dude  
DAVE: solitaire you know like  
DAVE: solitude  
DAVE: being alone  
DAVE: by yourself  
KARKAT: YES THANKS I KNOW WHAT SOLITUDE MEANS, OH WISE PURVEYOR OF WORDS.  
KARKAT: WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS.  
DAVE: dont trolls have playing cards  
DAVE: wait dont tell me  
DAVE: the troll name for them is really longwinded and ridonkulously convoluted like enumerated rectangular pictorial slats or something  
KARKAT: OF COURSE WE HAVE THEM. DON'T BE STUPID.  
KARKAT: AND THEY'RE JUST CALLED PLAYING CARDS.  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK DO YOURS HAVE QUADRANT SYMBOLS ON THEM.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: guess i never really thought about that  
DAVE: im sure theres some rad as shit history behind it that somebody somewhere really cares about  
DAVE: but i reckon that its yet another one of those nifty ways our two universes are connected  
DAVE: like all the ways our universes are connected  
DAVE: in a manner that appears to be really cool and meaningful but is actually completely pointless and arbitrary  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: am i committing some kind of troll sexual innuendo by handling bits of paper with hearts and numbers and shit on them  
KARKAT: NO.  
KARKAT: IT JUST LOOKS REALLY BIZARRE.  
DAVE: phew  
DAVE: well thats a relief  
DAVE: anyway what did you want to talk to me about  
KARKAT: UM. NOTHING.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: k  
KARKAT: NO I JUST  
KARKAT: UGH.  
KARKAT: IT SOUNDS REALLY STUPID WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT NOW.  
KARKAT: WHY DID I THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED THIS WAS SIMPLY YET ANOTHER EMBARRASSING INTERACTION WAITING TO HAPPEN! I'LL HAVE TO REMEMBER TO THOROUGHLY SCRUB MY THINKPAN LATER.  
KARKAT: I'LL EVEN WRITE IT DOWN IN MY HANDY-DANDY SCHEDULE SO I DON'T FORGET, BECAUSE I SURE HAVE A SQUIDILLION THINGS ON MY NUTRITION PLATEAU THESE DAYS!!!!!!  
KARKAT: *HUFF HUFF*  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: youre flipping out about the prospect of telling me about something youre flipping out about  
DAVE: only you could manage to pull that off good job  
DAVE: why dont you sit down and calm your rumble spheres bro  
KARKAT: I DON'T HAVE RUMBLE SPHERES YOU IGNORANT IMBECILE.  
KARKAT: AND EVEN IF I DID THEY WOULDN'T NEED CALMING.  
DAVE: i know i noticed its just a figure of speech jesus  
DAVE: why do you have to make everything so weird  
DAVE: here ill teach you a human card game if youll just shush  
KARKAT: HOW IS THAT GOING TO FUCKING HELP.  
DAVE: just trust me ok   
KARKAT: OKAY, FINE, LET'S PLAY.  
KARKAT: IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO.  
DAVE: ok cool  
DAVE: so this game is called crazy eights  
DAVE: we each get eight cards  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK.  
KARKAT: WHY EIGHTS?  
KARKAT: ALTHOUGH IT'S LAUGHABLY APPROPRIATE.  
DAVE: man i dont know it just has more of a ring to it i guess??  
DAVE: like crazy sevens crazy fives doesnt really have the same oomph  
DAVE: anyway stop interrupting your teacher my young padawan  
DAVE: then once we get the cards we have to get rid of all of em  
DAVE: whoever does that first wins  
DAVE: the end  
KARKAT: THAT'S IT????  
KARKAT: WHENEVER I THINK I'VE FOUND EVERYTHING THERE IS TO HATE ABOUT YOU GRUBLIVERED NOOKWHIFFS, SOMETHING ELSE REARS ITS UGLY HEAD.  
KARKAT: DO YOU MORONS REALLY SPEND YOUR TIME PASSING BITS OF PAPER AROUND AS A FORM OF RECREATION.  
KARKAT: WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT IN YOUR RESPITEBLOCKS FONDLING YOUR SHAMEGLOBES ALL DAY TO PASS THE TIME INSTEAD.  
DAVE: dude tmi  
DAVE: dont tell me about your lonely jackoff habits  
KARKAT: UUUUUGH.  
DAVE: ok im gonna deal  
DAVE: oh hey check it the mayor wants to play  
WV: c:   
DAVE: if the mayors on board you know this shit is A+ the best thing ever  
KARKAT: YEAH WHATEVER.  
KARKAT: OKAY I HAVE A BUNCH OF CARDS NOW WHAT.  
DAVE: dude cmon dont let us see them face them the other way  
DAVE: thats like card games 101  
DAVE: ok better  
DAVE: so you gotta match this top card here with either a number or a suit  
DAVE: if you got nothing that matches keep picking up cards from this pile till you do  
DAVE: if you got an eight you can call the suit  
DAVE: ace skips a turn queen reverses play order two means you gotta draw two and four is draw four  
DAVE: ok lets go

Minutes later...

DAVE: nope you need to draw six champ pick up two more  
KARKAT: ASDHJKFSHFJ;  
KARKAT: YOU MADE THAT LAST RULE UP.  
DAVE: no i didnt i told you about that rule you just werent listening  
KARKAT: HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF NOT BEING COMPLETELY 100% ATTENTIVE TO MY PEERS WHENEVER THEY HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY.  
KARKAT: EVEN IF THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT INANE GAMES FOR WRIGGLERS THAT ARE COMPLETE WASTES OF TIME.  
DAVE: wow youre right  
DAVE: and i was so wrong  
DAVE: you are the best listener ive ever met its you  
DAVE: move over rose theres a new wannabe psychoanalyst in town  
DAVE: something about you just really makes me want to flop down supine onto the nearest pile of random bullshit and tell you all my deepest darkest secrets while you rub your chin and say hmmm thoughtfully  
DAVE: when really youre just mentally constructing headcanons for that monster of an erotica novel disguised as a romantic drama that you will not stop ambushing me with  
KARKAT: YOU ARE A GIGANTIC PIECE OF SHIT AND I HATE YOU.

Even later...

KARKAT: STRIDER YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING CHEATING.  
DAVE: how the heck would i be cheating  
KARKAT: HOW ARE YOU ONLY DOWN TO TWO CARDS WHILE I HAVE SO MANY I CAN BARELY HOLD THEM ALL.  
DAVE: guess im just a better strategist than you dude  
DAVE: hey wtf are you doing stop that  
DAVE: dont shred my cards i dont know the code for alchemizing a deck of cards ill have to figure it out via stupid fuckery that i dont feel up for right now  
KARKAT: TOO BAD!  
KARKAT: YOU SAID I HAD TO GET RID OF CARDS TO WIN, AND I'M GETTING RID OF THEM.  
DAVE: wow look out ladies and gents we have a true lateral thinker on our hands  
KARKAT: DON'T TOUCH ME, OH MY GOD.  
DAVE: ow holy shit  
DAVE: what have you got for nails, razor blades??  
KARKAT: SERVES YOU RIGHT DOUCHENOZZLE.  
DAVE: ok seriously stop  
KARKAT: RRRGGHGH  
DAVE: hands off the merchandise dude  
KARKAT: STOP PULLING MY HAIR!  
DAVE: ill stop nngh pulling your hair when you stop trying to hrrf choke me to death with my clothes  
KARKAT: NO YOU STOP FIRST.  
DAVE: oh for the love of  
WV: C:  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: and the mayor wins  
DAVE: how about that  
DAVE: what have we all learned today  
DAVE: never underestimate the mayors abilities  
DAVE: that was the correct answer  
KARKAT: CAN YOU PLEASE LET GO OF ME NOW??  
KARKAT: OR AT LEAST LOOSEN YOUR GRIP, I CAN BARELY BREATHE.  
DAVE: no man  
DAVE: this noogie is your penance for destroying a bros belongings  
DAVE: so stfu and dwi  
KARKAT: SIGH.  
DAVE: see this totally worked  
KARKAT: WHAT.  
DAVE: you are no longer on the verge of a mental breakdown  
DAVE: mission accomplished  
KARKAT: WRONG, BUCKO.  
KARKAT: NOW I'M JUST SEETHING IN SPEECHLESS, DISBELIEVING FURY AT HOW MUCH OF A WRITHING SHITSUCKING SACK OF ASSMAGGOTS YOU ARE.  
DAVE: yeah but youre not having an existential crisis or whatever anymore right  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: see im magic  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: WOW.  
KARKAT: THAT WAS THE MOST ASSBACKWARDS SHOOSHING I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: AND YET AGAIN YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST DID.  
KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY NOBODY IS SURPRISED.  
KARKAT: HOW YOU HUMANS MANAGE TO FUNCTION IS COMPLETELY BEYOND ME.  
DAVE: i  
KARKAT: OH WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP.  
KARKAT: BUT DON'T STOP PETTING MY HAIR.  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: alright


End file.
